Ever feel there are times when you can’t say no? The importance of boundaries.
Like a fence stops unwanted trespassing we can set boundaries around our physical, emotional and spiritual selves.
If you were to ask yourself how happy you are with your relationships, what would you say? I am not just talking about romantic relationships, it could be relationships at work, in the family or with neighbours. Did you know that setting good boundaries can really help make and keep relationships strong. Boundaries are also good for our mental health, helping us to feel better about ourselves, know who we are and to find space to be calm and peaceful.
Sometimes we can be unsure what good boundaries are and even if it is a good thing to set any boundaries. Perhaps this is because of the way we have been raised as children or the reaction we have had from others when we have been bold and said no. Let me ask you some questions to help you decide on how healthy your boundaries are
Do you put the needs and wants of others before your own? Find yourself unable to say no to the things people ask of you? If that’s you then you probably have limited or moving boundaries that you find it difficult to stick to. If you are someone with weak boundaries, you may get resentful about the way that you feel people take advantage of you. Being unable to say no may leave you at times (or even permanently) feeling exhausted and overloaded with other’s expectations of you.
On the other hand, you may have boundaries that are like high walls. Strong and impenetrable, making it hard for others to relate to you and for you to relax in their company. Are you someone who can get frustrated when people don’t view things the same way you do? Do you struggle to express your feelings and rarely consider the feelings of others? then that says a lot about the way you relate to others. Are you in the habit of being critical when things don’t go according to your plan? Do you find yourself using anger and even intimidation at times to get your way? If you answer yes to any of these then the chances are you have boundaries that are too rigid. Letting down your guard will be difficult because trusting others does not come easily, but there are great benefits in doing so.
Many people struggle with boundaries because they don’t know what would be right or wrong. They wonder if setting boundaries and saying ‘sorry, I can’t” to someone who has a need would make them a bad person. In therapy I often meet this question and ambivalence about setting limits on the demands of others. We often need to look at what a good relationship would look like. As an example, for an adult-to-adult relationship to work well there usually needs to be some equality and fairness in their dealings with each other. If one person is doing all the work and the other is idle that makes for a poor and dysfunctional friendship or romantic partnership. For other relationships, with work colleagues etc the relationship may be less balanced, with power weighed towards an employer. However, whatever the relationship you will have agreed ways of working and being in relationship together. If one of you breaks the agreement, the boundaries, then the relationship is disrupted or ended in some way.
So, what do good relationships look like? When setting healthy boundaries, you’ll be able to say some of the following: I’m able to set personal boundaries to protect my body, my energy, my time, and other areas of my life, without feeling guilty, unhappy, worried, or stressed. I’m able to express my true feelings in an assertive and considerate way, even if they are seen as negative by others. I will appreciate some conflict in a relationship and see it as a natural part of forming an alliance with another and I will fell OK with that. Conflict may not be enjoyable, but it is necessary to disagree and find ways of compromise and building together. But I will understand that conflict is a reasonable and caring exchange and doesn’t include anger (rage), manipulation or intimidation of any kind. Conflict if it is worked through well will bring about good and comfortable resolution for both parties.
Some tips:
It is easier to set boundaries at the start of a relationship. Make sure that you follow through and can set and enforce consequences for breaking them. For example, when on phone calls you may have a boundary that if the other person does not respect me, I will give them a warning that I will leave the call, and if they disrespect me again I’ll hang up.
It is always good to take time to think, take a pause, when you are asked something. You could say, “let me get back to you”. Taking time to set a boundary gives you the space to think what you want and get away from the pressure of a quick decision. You can also try and stand back, get perspective, to see if you are being manipulated in some way, or if you want to help for the right reason.
It is important to be clear when setting boundaries. Be firm and say a simple “no” to something you do not want to do. Do not feel that you need to explain your reasons. Not overexplaining is a crucial aspect of setting boundaries, as everyone has the right to determine what they do and do not want to do.
Boundaries is a big subject and a helpful area to work on in counselling or in your own self development. There are some excellent books that can help e.g., ‘Boundaries’ by Cloud & Townsend.
